


Human Things

by fructosebat



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 08:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20793995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fructosebat/pseuds/fructosebat
Summary: Crowley turned from the window and with great deliberation removed his sunglasses and tucked them in his inside jacket pocket. “Well?” he said.“Well what?”“You know what.”“I’m quite sure that I don’t.” Aziraphale bit his lip, then wrung his hands, looking about the dim bookshop as if there were something to save him from this conversation.***~1400 words of two awkward beings not knowing how to be romantic after 6,000 years of waiting.





	Human Things

It was dusk by the time they meandered back to A. Z. Fell & Co. after several hours lingering over lunch. Neither of them had said anything about a post-lunch drink when they left the Ritz, but Crowley had come along anyway, and now helped Aziraphale pull down the window shades of the newly-restored bookshop. The mood had been relaxed and celebratory all afternoon, but now as Aziraphale finished his task and stood by the hardly-used cash register, fiddling with the worn edges of his waistcoat, the air became charged. Uncomfortable, was the word. 

Crowley turned from the window and with great deliberation removed his sunglasses and tucked them in his inside jacket pocket. “Well?” he said.

“Well what?”

“You know what.”

“I’m quite sure that I don’t.” Aziraphale bit his lip, then wrung his hands, looking about the dim bookshop as if there were something to save him from this conversation.

“No one’s watching us,” said Crowley, voice heavy with...implications.

Dithering, Aziraphale managed, “Of course not. We’re alone in the shop.”

“I  _ mean, _ ” snapped Crowley, “no one’s watching from--” He gestured first down and then up, sharply.

“Oh,” Aziraphale said faintly. “Well. They could be. Still.”

“But they can’t do anything to us, is what I’m saying.”

“Oh?”

“We’re  _ invincible, _ ” Crowley reminded him.

“I...I suppose you’re right,” conceded Aziraphale.

“‘Course I am.”

“So they won’t care if we…?”

“That’s what I’m  _ saying. _ ”

“Oh,” Aziraphale said again. “In that case.” He straightened, as if mustering his courage. “There’s something I’ve always wanted to try.”

“Lay it on me, Angel,” said Crowley. He watched as Aziraphale tentatively and then with more assurance crossed the room, stepped right up to his counterpart, and wrapped his arms around him. Crowley sank into the hug. Sighing, Aziraphale tucked his nose into the spot where Crowley’s neck met his shoulder. They pushed a little closer together. Crowley shut his eyes.

“Very human thing, this,” Crowley said after a while.

“I like it,” said Aziraphale. Then, “You do, too.”

“Yeah,  _ okay, _ yeah I do.”

“I know how you feel about me, you know.” Crowley went stiff in his arms. “What I mean to say is--”

“ _ You _ know?” Crowley tried to pull away but Aziraphale just pulled him closer. “What, you think I don’t know how you feel about me?!”

Now Aziraphale pulled back, but they kept hold of each other’s arms. “I was  _ trying _ to be  _ subtle! _ ”

“You might as well have hit me over the head with a cricket bat.”

“Maybe I will, with the way you’re behaving!” 

“Don’t think I’m going to forget that you  _ dumped _ me,” Crowley snarled, backing off.

“There were extenuating circumstances,” said Aziraphale defensively. His hands twitched a little. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”

Crowley sputtered, pacing. “‘Sorry,’ he says!”

“Look, it’s been a long week.” 

“A long--?!”

“Can we go back to what we were doing? It’s just, you see, I’ve been waiting a rather long time, and I didn’t think we’d ever get...to…”

There was a long pause as Crowley ran through his frantic energy. Finally, he sighed and said, “Yeah, all right, come here.” They leaned back into each other.

“There’s another human thing I’ve always wanted to try,” confessed Aziraphale after a moment.

“What--you’re not saying you want to--?” Crowley had pulled back again and looked vaguely distressed.

Aziraphale brow creased in confusion, then smoothed as the penny dropped. “Oh! No! No, not that. That’s always seemed a bit--messy, to me, and anyhow I don’t think this body is particularly  _ designed _ for--”

“Oh good,” Crowley said, relieved. “I’m not much for that kind of thing.”

“No? I always thought…”

“Thought?”

“Well, you’re a  _ demon. _ Tempting, and so on.”

“Yeah, to  _ other humans,  _ not to…” Crowley made a face. “Bleh.”

“Right.”

“Right,” echoed Crowley. “So what is it you wanted to try?”

“Kissing?”

“Oh.”

“We don’t have to.”

“No, I--yeah, okay. Another human thing.”

“We both  _ like _ human things,” argued Aziraphale. “Wasn’t that the whole point of the--of stopping the world from ending? So human things could keep happening?”

“I already said I would, didn’t I?”

“Have you ever…?”

“Tried it before? What, with a  _ human? _ ”

“No, I thought not,” said Aziraphale. “Me neither. I’ve seen it in the pictures, though. And of course I’ve  _ read _ extensively.”

“Planning something were you?” Crowley said with a knowing smirk.

If angels could blush, Aziraphale would have. “How could I? I wasn’t to know we’d ever…”

“Resign?”

“I rather think we were  _ fired, _ don’t you?” They both laughed uproariously. Once they’d quietened down, Aziraphale suggested, “Perhaps we should take this somewhere more comfortable? I’ve a sofa, you know.”

Crowley gestured for Aziraphale to lead the way, and they went to the back room, settling next to each other on the sofa. After a brief pause, Aziraphale clapped his hands on his knees. “Well, then.” He looked to Crowley. “How do we start?”

“Why are you looking at me?” protested Crowley. “You’re the expert!”

Aziraphale released a puff of air from his mouth. “Very well, then.” He leaned in, pursing his lips. Crowley leaned in with his mouth open. Neither of them shut their eyes. They stopped before meeting in the middle. “No, I don’t think that’s right.”

“I don’t think you’re meant to purse your lips.”

“No? But in films they always purse their lips and then sort of wiggle their heads around.”

“You’re going to believe something you saw in a  _ film? _ ”

“Well, what about you?! You had your mouth wide open!”

“I saw two teenagers once at a party. There was a lot of...suction.”

Aziraphale made a face. “That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Maybe it’s wonderful! You don’t know! The teenagers seemed to like it, anyway.”

“We’re not teenagers, Crowley.”

Crowley ruffled his hair, agitated. “What do we do, then?! I’m not bloody Googling how to kiss.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Aziraphale primly. “Look, just...let’s just try letting our mouths go...soft. And I think we’re meant to close our eyes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s what humans do! Let’s just try it. Once.”

Sighing, Crowley relented. “Fine.”

This time they met in the middle, eyes closed, mouths soft. Their lips moved against each other. Things got a little involved after a few seconds, and then more involved a few seconds after that. It carried on for some minutes, since neither party technically needed to breathe. Finally, they parted.

“Oh, I like that,” said Aziraphale in the same tone he might use to comment on a slice of cheesecake. “You taste a bit like a campfire, you know.”

“Yeah, well you taste like blasted sunshine,” grumped Crowley, folding his arms and letting himself fall back on the sofa. “And I’m buggered if I know what that means.” Aziraphale beamed at him. “Stop it,” said Crowley. 

Shuffling closer, Aziraphale leaned his head on the demon’s shoulder. “We’ll have to do that lots more.” After a long moment, Crowley gave in and wrapped his arm around Aziraphale’s shoulders. “How long do you think we have before  _ they _ ...you know. Have something to say?”

“Like I said, we’ve got some breathing room, I think. Dunno. We’ll figure something out in case they come knocking. We’d better.”

Aziraphale pulled him closer. On pain of discorporation, Crowley would never admit that he was not only cuddling, but enjoying it.

***

Some days later, the pair were at an outdoor cafe under a brightly-colored striped umbrella, Aziraphale making pleased noises at a sandwich that he was eating with a knife and fork, and Crowley scrolling idly on his smartphone, which was so advanced that it looked at any moment that it would take off flying to the moon. 

“I’ve bought us a cottage,” said Crowley casually after a time.

Aziraphale swallowed a bite of sandwich. “Ooh, that’s lovely, dearest. Whereabouts?”

“On the South Downs. Thought it’d do us good to, you know, get out of the city for a bit.”

“Settle down, sort of thing?” offered Aziraphale.

Crowley was quick to say, “Did I say settle down?”

“It’s very romant--”

“Got space for your books, and all. There’s a vacant shop space in the town if you feel like not selling them.”

“It’s really very swee--”

“Shut it,” said Crowley, but with a smile. Aziraphale grinned back across the table.

“Well. Best I start packing then.” He cut another piece of his sandwich. “After lunch.”

“After lunch,” agreed Crowley, and went back to scrolling his phone.

***

End.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been stuck in my head since watching the show for the billionth (read: 4th) time. Just my headcanons and some goofy fluff. Yippee!


End file.
